Fear food

When I first started treatment, what I thought was the honest answer to the question: ‘what are your fear foods?’ was ‘nothing’.

I knew I wasn’t eating enough, but I honestly thought I’d eat everything, just in small quantities. What I hadn’t realized was that my choices had become so narrowed down that I really was eating only a very limited range of foods. I’ve now realized that one of my warning signs that Ed is sneaking back in is when meal after meal is but a variation on a theme.

I was also the champion of ‘debting’, so if I ate something scary at one meal, I’d compensate by eating less at the next meal, or by exercising for the calorie value plus a little extra to be sure. A very disordered way of approaching food, I can now see.

PJ has really inspired me to keep challenging those fears and to eat a wide variety of foods. Just recently I have reintroduced myself to:
* buckwheat pasta
* polenta
* olive oil
* haloumi
* pizza!

For the first time I made (and ate) ricotta stuffed zucchini flowers over the weekend. They were really good. I’m trying to eat one new thing a week. I’ve gone back to the list I made in treatment that traffic lighted different foods- green for safe, amber for scary but can do it at a push and red for anxiety provoking and to be avoided at all costs. I remember when we went through it in group how different each of our lists were, because we each had different things we were afraid of.

I’m trying to work my way through all the amber to incorporate variety into my diet and challenging myself with one red food each week. This week’s challenge: fried rice made properly – with white rice and sesame oil and soy sauce!